La Tua Cantante
by InsincerelyYours
Summary: Jasper's journey of discovery after leaving the Cullen family and dealing with all the obstacles of a vegan existence, even when temptation takes a physical form and acquaintances from his past make doing so particularly difficult.
1. Chapter One: Crossroads

_La Tua Cantante_

**Crossroads**

"Well, thou hast fought for many a year,  
Hast fought thy whole life through,  
Hast humbled Falsehood, trampled Fear;  
What is there left to do?"

-Emily Bronte "Self-Interrogation"

_Jasper_

Even in the impenetrable darkness, my super-charges eyes could make out every detail of my surroundings from the deep green hues of the leaves on ancient trees to the bark-brown owl keenly regarding the small mouse as it scurried across the dense foliage of the forest floor. Knowing instinctively when the owl would dive to catch its prey a second before it even knew itself, I inexplicitly felt the urge to advert my eyes from this lesson in Darwinism.

Safe from human and vampiric emotions here in the wilderness, I tried to savor the rare feeling of aloneness, yet the only emotions I desired to escape from at the moment were my own. I wished fleetingly that I could manipulate my own emotions as I could those around me, as the memory of the very reason for my solitude caused waves of pain to assail my raw psyche.

I began to pace through the forest, feeling the wind rustling my golden hair as I moved blindly fast, fast enough to send any living creature in a three-yard radius fleeing, their instincts telling them I was a threat—the same scents which enticed my natural prey repelled that of which my diet now consisted. Even the owl opened his wings in flight to soar away from my unnatural presence, clutching the lifeless mouse in his deadly talons.

I contemplated hunting myself, both for the reason that I was beyond a comfortable level of thirst and that it would be a welcome distraction, however, my current depression seemed to trump my primal desires. For an instant I imagined giving in to my deepest craving, to find the nearest town, surprise the first unsuspecting human and feed, as my whole being seemed to scream for me to do.

And really, what was keeping me from caving now? There was no one standing by to stare with accusing eyes, no comforting hands to keep me from giving in and no ties to guilt me into a vegetarian diet. And really, the fear and horror I would feel as I revealed myself to my victim would be a thankful reprise from my own torment. My whole body stilled as the intoxicating memories of human blood assaulted my senses. Without thinking I crouched into an attacking stance, the tension in my rock-hard muscles mirroring the tension in my mind.

_This doesn't seem like a bad idea_, I admitted. Nevertheless, some part of me was still living in a past that no longer existed—and this part could hear the disappointment in Carlisle's voice and see the sadness in Esme's eyes, and this was enough to shake me out of my reverie. My body relaxed and I slumped against the nearest tree, an elegant silver maple which stretched almost sixty feet into the moonless sky and was almost as old as I was. Sitting there, I felt as isolated as I had even been.

An eternity of solitude. That was what I had to look forward to now. For I knew no one could take her place, and nothing could fill me with the joy of existence ever again. Aloneness. That was all.

Self-pity! I felt a flash of rage directed at my own weakness. I was turning into a coward—worse than a murderer, a monster or any other stigma I had worn in the past. Self-pity was never one of my self-indulgences. A soldier's life had erased that emotion from my mind long before my heart ever stopped beating, and like chivalry and my charismatic charm, it was something I carried with me into this new life. I would not hide out in the forests of Pennsylvania for the rest of my existence. From this point on, I would make every attempt to create a new life.

But where would I start? I had only ever been two people, Jasper Whitlock, a vampire legend for my unparalleled fighting in the wars of the South, and Jasper Hale, member of the Cullen family. My entire existence up until this point had been defined by the company I kept. Now that I was truly alone I felt the weight of being a Jasper who lived solely for himself.

First things first, I must hunt. I had been running for a long time—nearly a week, running aimlessly without stopping to feed or for any other reason. Hunting now was imperative; I needed all my willpower if I was going to enter town in the morning—weather permitting.

_Ashlynn_

My heart was beating in time to a techno song; skipping a beat more often than I felt was necessarily healthy. The adrenaline coursing through my veins did little to slow my heart, or calm my erratic breathing, and I felt my face flush with embarrassment. I did not appreciate being this out of control, and I knew that I needed to put an end to it.

"Brett, please," I all but hissed, putting a slender hand to his well defined chest in an attempt to distract him from attacking my neck. He did break away, bringing his perfect face so close to mine that every breath I took was filled with air expelled from his seductive mouth.

"What now?" He whined, gazing intently into my eyes, knowing that the deep green of his irises was always enough to turn me into a puddle. I lost the ability to speak, to think and especially to fight as he slowly lowered his lips to mine.

Yet somehow, the kiss did not send me quivering as they had in the past. I had thought until now that loving him was enough, knew that it was all I was able to do, and that the alien emotion had eclipsed all other emotions in my life, but love wasn't the emotion behind the meeting of our lips.

I attempted once again to break free from his hold, but the weight of his body on top of mine left me as helpless as a field mouse caught in the talons of an owl. And even stronger still was the emotional ties which bound us, for I had long ago cut everyone but him from my life, this relationship being the only one I had left.

It was this sad truth which kept me from digging my nails into his skin and bringing my knee in between his legs with all my force: for as distorted as this was, he was all I had left in my life. The only thing for me to cling to as the world spun out of control around me, sights and sounds blurring together so that the only thing recognizable in my helter-skelter world was him.

I realized too late that this wasn't love; the furthest thing from, actually. The emotions I felt were nothing more than a panicked desperation for something familiar in this whirlwind place. This epiphany spurred me to whimper in a voice entirely different from my usually controlled tones.

"Don't," was all I could force my trembling mouth to shape as he slid his hands up my thighs. My pleading only seemed to impel him onward, his only acknowledgement a cruel smirk which seemed wholly out of place on his beautiful face. There was no notice of the tears as they leaked out of my eyes, shut in horror, and streamed undeterred down my cheeks.

A/N: Please, please review. This is my first twilight fanfic, and my first fanfic in a very long time, and I tried to showcase all my growth, but it's always difficult at the start of a new story. I would love some constructive criticism, especially about how real the characters seem.


	2. Chapter Two: Mind Verse Heart

_La Tua Cantante_

**Mind v. Heart**

"I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here?  
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.  
I still try... holding onto silly things, I never learn.  
Oh why? All the possibilities. I'm sure you've heard.

_That's what you get when you let your heart win_."

-Paramore "That's What You Get"

_Jasper_

I felt stronger now that I had spent the night hunting, and I imagined I looked a bit more human as well, seeing as my eyes had lightened to their usual golden hue and the angry purple smudges under them had faded to an almost imperceptible lilac. And as my physical self was strengthened, the wallowing thoughts of the previous day seemed to dissipate slightly, enough that I could focus on the task in front of me without the constant and incapacitating onslaught of painful memories.

Keeping with my good fortune, the sky was shrouded in heavy slate gray clouds as far as the eye could see; it seemed some deity was on my side at least. I had returned to the maple tree –I quickly was beginning to see it as "my" tree— after consuming no less than four rocky mountain elk, probably angering the RMEF in a single hour, devastating the county's poaching statistics. Finally as satisfied as I would allow myself to become, I watched the sky slowly lighten behind the veil of clouds and plotted my next move.

I knew it was difficult to start over in a new town, due mostly to humans' natural aversion for my kind, and the fact that I lacked any of the necessary papers to start in a new life only made it more difficult. I did have in my wallet a social security card, a driver's license and a Black American Express card, all in the name Jasper Hale. While the card would be useful, seeing my desperate need to acquire all the necessities, not limited to a car which would satisfy my desire for speed, a place to live and clothing, I had no desire to live another two years as a high school student, and therefore my license as a seventeen year old would be useless.

As I drafted my plans, I sat in absolute stillness, and gradually the surrounding wildlife grew accustomed to my presence, at least enough to continue their morning activities—granted they still gave me a wide berth. I must have been three hours, judging from the path the slightly glowing orb took behind the thick layer of atmosphere, which I sat there—all the while I barely let a single breath escape my lips. Just as the sun reached a level which told me it was about eight am, I had readied myself to a quick shopping trip followed by apartment hunting, putting the task of acquiring papers off for another day.

I rose blindingly fast from my perch against my maple—I was beginning to get lax in my human façade the longer I spent in the wilderness—startling the indigenous wildlife once again. Not pausing to observe the gray squirrels fleeing from my path, I made it to the outskirts of town in less than five minutes, slowing only when my sensitive ears could hear the mundane sounds of daily human life: the soft purr of car engines as men and women drove to their detested jobs, the faint buzz of pleasantries exchanged at the local coffee shop and the sole gas station, and the more subtle sound of childish laughter as school children were sent off to school on bright yellow buses.

The last thing I needed was some meddlesome townsperson to observe my arrival out of the woods and start uncomfortable rumors before I had even spoken to a single soul, so I took a more round-about route around the small rural town toward the local road, past the "bad" part of town where abandoned buildings and broken down cars replaced the previous scenery of quaint "mom and pop" stores and shiny SUVS. Knowing for centuries for experience that my presence would be unnoticed here where only the homeless, the addicted and the depraved resided, I casually retraced my steps at a more human pace, until I arrived less conspicuously in the center of the town which would be my new home.

_Ashlynn_

As I slowly drifted into consciousness, I knew instantly that something was not right—that, in fact, nothing would ever be right again. Because my body knew, before my mind could even process the events of last night, that somehow, in the time between falling asleep to the soft apologies muttered in the sweetest of all voices and waking here in a bed which felt infinitely larger, my world had shattered beyond repair. Yet, even as my whole being retracted and readjusted to this new, bleak world, my heart could not phantom what my mind knew was true.

As a silent battle waged, I laid completely motionless in my small twin bed, infinitely aware of the empty space beside me. It seemed my heart ruled out over my mind, something which occurred my whole life, and I slowly opened my eyes. Though my mind had already predicted the empty room which slowly came into focus before my eyes, my heart was insisting that it could not be true. _Clearly_, my heart sang, _he only stepped outside for a minute. Brett leaving is just **not an option**_.

Deciding to once again go with my heart, I slowly unfolded myself from the tangle of sheets and stood up from the bed, not pausing to stretch as my muscles cried out for me to. I took the distance between my bed and the door in three strides and retched open the door, peering down the hallway, which was empty seeing as it was seven in the morning on a Saturday on a college campus.

I shut the door, already sprinting toward my cell phone which lay on my nightstand. I flipped it open with unnecessary force and immediately searched through the received calls—nothing. I pressed the first speed dial, which would hopefully connect me with my personal angel. As soon as I heard his voice I knew I'd feel utterly silly for ever thinking he could leave me. He needed me just as much as I needed him: more than a plant needed the sun or my lungs needed air.

The first time the phone went to voice mail, my heart could rationalize: he was taking a shower, or his phone had died and he wasn't near a charger. After two hours of calling, getting his voicemail, hanging up and calling again constantly, I wasn't so sure. I decided he could be trying to call _me_, but because I was using my phone our lines were getting crossed, so I sat on the floor with my knees pulled tight to my chest and my cell phone gripped like a live grenade in my hand, waiting for the call that my mind knew would never come.

It was in this position that my roommate Anne found me four hours after I gave up calling Brett. By this point even my heart was having trouble believing infallibly in Brett's love, and when I saw the undeniable pity in Anne's eyes the reality hit me and I literally felt my heart shatter into millions pieces, and not in the metaphoric "he broke my heart" way. I was actually in so much pain that I clutched at my chest, convinced I was having a heart attack. The pain was all-encompassing and with every gasping breath I took it multiplied until every other sense in my body was drowned out by the sharp, stabbing pain of my heart being ripped from my chest.

And as if that wasn't enough of a melodramatic response, I began sobbing uncontrollably, tears pouring down my face like torrential rain, leaving small tracks of sorrow down my face from my mascara. My sobs turned to gasps, the gasps to hyperventilation as Anne pulled me to my feet and gently led me to my bed. She pulled my fleece blanket around me in a motherly fashion, even though it was Indian summer and eighty eight degrees out. It was then that I realized I was shivering, my lips moving at almost superhuman speeds, my teeth making such a loud chattering noise I feared they would crack.

As she turned out the lamp, relieving my swollen eyes from the harsh sparkling lights caused by light streaming through my millions of tear drops, I whispered to her, "I slept with him. I slept with him and then he left me."

She didn't respond, and I can't be sure she even ever heard me.

A/N: Sorry this took so long, I had a lot of trouble writing Ashlynn's POV. I was finally inspired by music by both Paramore and oddly Flyleaf, which in turn inspired me to create a playlist of songs which tie in to the chapters a la Stephenie. As always, reviews are like cookies, candy and ice cream in one! Please, if you are reading, send a lil' review!

Playlist:

Chapter One:  
Jasper- "The Crowing" _Coheed__ and Cambria  
_Ashlynn- "Never Let This Go" _Paramore_

Chapter Two:  
Jasper- None, not really much emotion… more exposition  
Ashlynn: "That's What You Get" _Paramore_


End file.
